Memory block

I don’t know my mind is just so clouded right now I’ve tried to write it all out but every time I do I just get to a block. It seems like I can’t just focus on one problem in my head. Part of the reason it won’t come out is I look at a picture of my beautiful daughter and I just don’t care about negative thoughts and she makes me smile. She pulls me through a lot of my tough nights along with this same keyboard I’m sitting behind right now.  When I look at her it just seems like the rest of my problems don’t even matter because God has blessed me with a child who is healthy and so active already in the almost  5 months she’s been alive.  I just get lost in the thought of her sitting on her mother’s lap eating pears, bananas, or sweet potatoes and before the spoon even leaves the jar her mouth is open and waiting. But don’t take too long though she will let you know she’s ready for more.  One night we had a whole conversation about nothing at all seeing as she can’t talk, but she was responding to everything I said and moving her little leg and arms followed by a scream and a huge smile. Sometimes she would spit up a bit but just keep on going. Children alone can take you back and make you remember the time where all you had to do was eat sleep go to school and play outside. If we only knew then what we know now would you really want to change anything?  All those great moments you have you may not but then again you wouldn’t even know any different. Or would you?  I can say my daughter is enough to make glad I didn’t know a thing coming up. There really aren’t too many things in life that I think I would really say are worth standing up and being proud of. But I will say that my daughter is definitely the one I will stand on a mountain top and yell to the world. I really had so much more to say tonight but it wouldn’t come out of my head and I just kind of came up with this. It’s not something I usually do or even thought I would be posting on here but hey sometimes you got to just go with the flow. Not that it matters ha, I only got two followers anyways but it’s still good to just let out what I can.

Friends Become Family

I’ve recently started writing again as you can tell, and it feels so good. I like many other people in the world have a hard time expressing myself but it seems when I sit down with pad and paper or a computer at my hands I can do it a lot better. Tough times have been a part of my life just and much as the good. These are the things that make life worth living. For those of you who don’t know I love to tell stories and some say I’m very good at it and my good friend Caleb says “I think what it is, is your delivery.”  I told him it’s something I hold near and dear to my heart. I want whoever is listening to be there in the story at that exact moment. I’ve always tried to do the same with my writing also but I’ve always been afraid to let anyone in that close. Well now is the time. Caleb is actually the one to put this idea in my head just with some conversations we’ve had though out our deployment. I’ve always wanted to have other people read and tell me what they think. I wanted the Gods honest truth. It’s funny though how we sometimes want something so badly but are afraid to take the steps needed. Well this is my chance and I’m going to take it. A few things I’ve already posted are recent  and I think I did fairly well. But what makes me write this here and now is something I just read written by Caleb himself “The Prayer Answered.” He wrote it after he watched explosion go off while I was standing about ten feet away it.  It opened my eyes to how much great friends are needed though out life. Caleb thanks for being more than a friend, thanks for being a Brother.

Brothers in Arms

Cold and tired not ready for bed can’t lie down yet. My mind it just keeps racing I think I need another cigarette.

  The doctors come checking.

 “Tell me what happen, start from the beginning.”

 “Are you feeling any pains.” 

“We have to give you a test”

Stepping into the darkness  my eyes adjusting  back in to the night. I see a familiar face, the look it was wearing  one I’d never seen before. It seemed to come from deep inside, something not worn to often one I thought I’d never see. Up until this  moment laughter  had covered all my fear.  I wear the face so well I’ve done it all before, this task was no test for me. 

  Smile on my face I was still wearing it o so well. Someone who didn’t know me wouldn’t know I felt I  escaped from hell.

 “What’s up man?”  Waiting for a smile. I figured we’d cut up again since we hadn’t talked in a while. Instead I got something different not what I expected at all. 

“I love you man.” But his face said something different and I could only imagine what it meant.

It  said I saw what happen, and it scared me half to death. I wanted to come and help you my body it couldn’t rest. I stared into the darkness slightly lit by my trucks light. I griped the steering wheel tightly. Angry at the world hoping you're ok so you can see your baby girl. I saw you standing in my door not too sure if you were real. Did something crazy happen? I might be dreaming now. I could reach out and shake your hand crack a joke like I always do. Say something about the potatoes just so I know it’s you. Standing here I know it true I’m so happy your alive I don’t know what to tell you so this will have to do. "I love you man."

Shock and awe ran through my mind, my words were just the same. With just  four words I said so much more.

 I  need no longer hide. I love you man you're not just a friend you are a brother of mine. I saw your face you didn’t speak “what’s up” is what I said with smile on my face I assure you I’m not yet dead. I saw you cared and that’s what matters in my time of need. They say that men don’t hug but its ok you’re a brother indeed.

Not many more words were shared that night  a few did us just fine. We knew tomorrow morning,  another day to live.  Another day Gods given us to show what true family is.

11/20/2010

Her Smile The Master

Her Smile The Master

Cold feet sweaty palms no words prepared he approaches what to him looks like a goddess. Fighting his emotions of fear it seems as if she is guarded so no one could touch.  Finally making his way through all his doubt he began to speak his mind. He stands in total submission to her love. Her smile became the master his heart the slave. Always in his dreams, she was all he could see.

Just a friend is all he was and that’s all he could remain.  Her shoulder to cry on, friend to hug, someone to hold her on nights of sadness. So many tears she shed on him while her heart belonged to someone else. Never telling her how he felt, he died on the inside with the tears she cried while he left to serve his country.

These two hearts met again and soon they were one. Separated by many miles their love had just begun. Sharing many late night conversations of present and future times to be. Every night he closed his eyes it was her face he would see. Her love she sent in boxes many miles away. Some with a chain of notes which spread her love each day. She baked his favorite cookies with love that he could taste. She would always know her love never went to waste.

It had been to long since he had seen her face. Sweaty palms as he approaches, he sees her smiling face. She suddenly starts to run; he opens his arms she falls right in. Deep in a hug he asks for a kiss, she’s happy to oblige. The first kiss ever, Lips locked with love like he’s never felt before. Never mind the cold this kiss could last forever. Riding in the car her hand in his he wished her never to leave his side.

18 hour flight the distance grows again her kiss still tingles and his heart still warm. So far away but yet he never felt closer to her heart. His time had come, one last flight before the fight he waited too long to find a love like this and didn’t want leave it behind. Hard times had hit so young and immature he almost let her go her heart hit the floor. Nights by his side her love grew stronger she wouldn’t let go. She opened his eyes no greater love he would know. Good bye never seemed so hard.

 Their love grew stronger as the time went on. The letters they came, her words just what he needed to get him through these times. She never stopped caring she kept them alive. Growing old and talks of marriage gladly fill the air. If ever a reason to live her love would be it. Soon but never soon enough the plane has landed once again he walked closer to her heart. Standing nervously she smiles. This time her arms wide open awaiting his touch. Walking through the airport she had a surprise to show her love. Eyes wide open you could see his joy, family awaiting his arrival.

Cuddled in his arm and tucked in tight, Right back by his side sleeping where she belonged. No more lonely nights. A party to attend, late where could he be? he could hear it in her voice she wanted no excuse. Smile on his face he played the part well.  Ring in hand family by his side he knew it was time. Down on one knee his heart beats as loud as a drum.  Before he could finish it was yes she shouted and hugged him to his feet. Tears of joy rushing from her face harsh words were gone.

Her smile the master, his heart the slave. This is how they became……..

11/19/2010

Close Call

Close Call

Daddies gone he has to serve our country.

From bottles to bananas it seem like I just left yesterday.

Late at night, bombs hit the ground.

Awake, the sound of your laugh whispers me to sleep.

Surrounded by violence.

Thoughts of you my only escape.

Danger in the grounds set to kill only feet away.

Kisses on the cheek never enough to last.

Just a little bit closer, I could have been farther from you than ever.

There’s no need for tears daddy will protect you.

Frozen in time.

How about another dance in the kitchen while I hum you a sweet tune.

Blind only one place to run.

Let daddy see those pretty eyes.

Trails of sweat run down my face.

Such a beautiful girl you get bigger every day.

Cold metal on my hands.

So small, I remember you fit in the palm of my hands

Thin splinters ping as my finger tries to make sense from the twisted imperfections.

I wish I could hold you one more time.

Another lonely night missing you more than ever.

I’ll see you in my dreams baby girl. I’ll be your daddy forever

11/19/2010